The Unstuck Project

Anxiety; fear; imposter syndrome; limiting beliefs; the whole “I’m not good enough”, “I can’t do that”, “that’s out of my reach” bollocks — where does it actually come from? I wasn’t born with it. But over the years it’s grown, really grown, into this loud, clingy gremlin that keeps me stuck. It’s so ingrained I don’t even need to channel it. It just appears, uninvited, with a fake warm smile like it’s here to “help”, speaking and making decisions for me before I’ve even thought the thought. Its power is limitless, it can attach itself to absolutely anything, at any time, knowingly or unknowingly

I read a really interesting book and apparently we pick these useless beliefs up from anywhere; teachers, parents, friends, strangers, bosses, colleagues. It could have been a passing comment, a bitchy remark, a jealous reaction (theirs), or even a look. My brain has grabbed it, moulded it into something completely irrelevant, and boom, a negative pathway is born. And once it’s there, the brain becomes a detective, constantly looking for evidence to prove it’s true. Years of “proof”, years of living my life to match beliefs that were never mine to begin with.

But here’s the plot twist: I know myself better than anyone, and all those random things I’ve picked up, well, there absolute bollocks! I’ve never cared much about what people think (to an extent), so why have I carried these tiny, irrelevant, life‑sucking stones that have held me down? I’ve chosen the easy, safe path for years, and honestly, I’m fucking bored of it. My 9 year-old-self didn’t do this and my 90 year-old-self will be fuming if I stay here.

And let’s not forget the physical symptoms. The gut wrenching stomach ache that feels so real I must have a bug. My arse goes from the size of a 50p to a 5p in seconds (truth is truth!!). These are my pre‑event “stop right now” symptoms and they’ve stopped me countless times, cancelled plans, called in sick…….. the gremlin wins.

If I ignore it and think “no not this time, Ive not got a bug, I’m just nervous” and carry on with the ‘thing’, it changes tactics. Keeps the stomach ache but adds adrenaline and not the good kind, but the kind that makes your body stop functioning in a normal human manner. It starts in my thighs, shoots up through my stomach, squeezes my chest, grips my throat. I breathe in too much, I can’t breathe out, chest pumping, ears ringing, shoulders up to my ears, voice wobbling. It’s horrific.

Ive asked myself what if I stay in this safe little bubble? Well, I won’t go after the career I want and deserve, I won’t date and find Mr Becky, I won’t travel alone go see places I really want to see, in town or overseas, I won’t try new things, I won’t fail and learn, I won’t grow. I’ll stay stuck.

Over the past few years I’ve tried to figure out where all this crap came from. I’ve been hypnotised (loved it, even though my mate had to drive me because I was too scared to go somewhere new alone). I had a life coach. I also thought, if I tell people, share my vulnerability, it does two things, 1) every time I talk about it, it will lose its power, dilutes it a little, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that! (repercussion of that, some folk then use that vulnerability against you down the road, c^nts!) 2) sharing gave me space to try things, to get comfortable being uncomfortable. And every time I tried a ‘thing’, it turns out, in the end, nothing happens. I didn’t die, no drama, people just got on with their day and didn’t give me a second thought.

What I’ve also learnt is, it’s all about confidence and I didn’t realise I lacked so much of it.  I used to tell people I’m actually quite shy, for anyone that knows me is so shocked when I say that, but looking at it now, I’m not shy at all, I just lack self-confidence (maybe that’s what shyness is at the end of the day).  I need to get comfortable being uncomfortable, but how do I do that, how do I intertwine that in my day to day life?

Confidence comes from evidence. So best I start collecting it to the point where I have so much evidence, its then unrealistic to believe I can’t do it.

I went on some dates, with a new mindset, I am awesome and have so much to offer.  It’s not about if they like me, it’s about if I like them. I’ve also made it my mission to talk in meetings, every single one of them, thankfully this has got better, the adrenaline doesn’t kick nearly as much as it used to.  It does give me a little tummy flutter a slight knot in my rib cage, but I do it, I push through, I give it ago. 

My online training coach: Boss Man T. He’s flipping amazing. He threw me into weights, machines, stairmaster, everything. I went to a gym I barely knew, male‑dominated (wink wink), no friend in tow, and had to video myself doing the last set of every exercise. Three months on I now swagger in, have little chats, I know my weights, I sometimes even lie on the floor in the walkway to do hip flexions because it’s on my programme and I’m not skipping it cause someone is using the big machine I need to use. Evidence collected: not being able to do it is now unrealistic.

I started doing it at work too, in meetings.  Lovely colleagues, some very senior. But put me in a boardroom and I freeze. So I started saying one short ‘thing’ each meeting.  Yes my hands start to tingle and I get a tummy flutter but, the adrenaline stopped shooting up my body and the short ‘thing’ now becomes a discussion.

Ive also just started (last couple of weeks) visiting places alone, I have so many things I wanna do and see, but just don’t get round to doing them (I think that’s my gremlins fault) . My brain loves to throw ridiculous scenarios at me. I wanted to go to a flower market in the East End, two trains and Google Maps was telling me I had to walk through a park! Gremlin is now wide awake, “a park, you’ll get attacked”. But I wanted to go so I went, even made myself a roll for the train. I got off, followed the crowd, walked through the tiniest park full of kids and mums with picnics and I arrived. I did it!!. Nothing bad happened. More evidence!!

In doing these little things I’m pushing through this bubble wrap and cottonwool that has been choking the fuck out of me.  But I’ve also noticed smaller changes, that with the naked eye you wouldn’t really be able to see, but I see it and that’s all that matters. I’ve noticed I stand taller instead of hunching over a bit.  My shoulders are back and down instead of forward and low. Dare I say im getting a little swagger!! Somehow I wear my clothes different, my face looks different, the face I see in the mirror isn’t a reflection Ive seen before, I don’t know if it’s the weight of fear is no longer in my eyes, or the tenseness of worry no longer sits in the lines, I have no idea, but I certainly looks different, lighter, fresh and dare I say, happy!

The hardest part? I have to keep doing this. Years of limiting beliefs don’t disappear overnight. I have to keep checking in with myself: is this real/fact, or is it my gremlin? I have to keep chopping at this tree until it’s just a stump I can sit on with a cuppa, proud of myself for working through something that held me back most of my life. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll apply for some of those jobs I’ve been eyeing up.

Last weekend I did a photoshoot. My mate was the director and photographer, I was the model, stylist, and makeup artist. We spent a couple of hours creating scenes and props, taking photos of me, just me, smiling into the camera or staring into the distance. Why? Well… for my new dating app of course.