Welcome to the biggest, most nurtured tree in my forest, deep roots, huge strong trunk, sturdy branches spreading wide and far with the greenest of leaves. I remember exactly when it was planted and is one of the biggest key players in keeping me stuck. I managed to let go of it once, probably for about 10 years. But first let’s go back.
When I was about 8, I took part in a school play, one of the kids’ mothers was a dressmaker (or something), anyways, she’s making my dress. I remember only two things about this play. 1: Mum and I were in dressmaker’s front room, whilst she’s measuring me she patted my belly ‘wow, you got a bus in there?’ I remember being confused, is it big, what does she mean? Right there, in her front room, a seed was sown. 2: I remember seeing a photo of me in said play some 15 years later thinking, ‘What a bitch, it doesn’t look like I had a bus in there at all’.
As a young teenager, mum put me on slim fast during the 6 weeks holidays, they’d hide food in the house (of course I found it). I remember doctor’s appointments, blood tests, cameras down my throat and up my arse, weekly check-ins at the Doctors to go over my food diary (of course I lied on them!) Then, slightly older, weight watchers, fad diets, Alli (and yes, oil does come out your arse when you fart!), you name it, I tried it.
I truly believe, when I was really young, those around me were helping me from a place of love (remember this was the 90’s), I take most of the responsibility, but we were ALL watering that tree, each and every one of us.
I flipping love food, love love love. I’ve attached it to everything, a constant seat next to me; meeting friends, hard day’s work, parties, celebrations, sadness, conferences, holidays (fully inclusive, of course) Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter. Suns out – BBQ. Fucking cold out – big fat roast!
In 2007, the family took a week off for a massive garden project. I came up with a great idea ‘oh we should film it, it would be such fun watching the transformation’ and every night we’d watch our days achievements. The first watch: there I was, on the TV, absolutely fucking huge, you couldn’t see my eyes properly cause of all the fat around them, I had no neck, just this huge round solid unit. I thought ‘It’s OK, the camera adds 10lbs’, well that’s a load of crap, everyone else looked the exact fucking same, bollocks! Fucking hell, is that what I looked like in real life. FUCK!
At that time I weighed 19 stone 8lbs and joined a gym, fast (well tubby fast!) One of my first classes ‘Body Attack’ Holy shit, one of the worst decisions of my life, it was straight in no kissing, jumping up and down, on the floor, off the floor, (have you seen a fat girl trying to get off the floor!!) run round one way, turn and run the other way, jump (fuck off!) arms in the air…….. two girls walked in, the trainer said, ‘sorry you’re too late, we’ve just finished the warm up’. Hold on a fucking minute, this is the warm up, Ive nearly finished my water. The last 10mins was abs, press-ups, sit ups, I just laid there, at the back, face down. I ached like a motherfucker as soon as I left!
I’ll start running, you never see a fat runner (remember guys this was 2007, no one really went out running, now we see all sorts of wonderful bodies running and I always, always, cheerlead them on (in my head), cause I know how fucking hard it is) I’ll also let you into a little secret, there’s a reason why 19stone 8lb girls don’t run, running is hard, physically painful and not for the reasons you’d think. You see, being this big, when your foot lands on the floor, all your fat is still traveling down, but at the exact same you’re raising the other leg to move it forward, therefore your body and fat needs to also travel upwards. There’s not enough time for your fat to catch up with the movement, so you feel like you’re being constantly whipped. Another thing, when you’re morbidly obese (doctors words not mine) anything you do, other than a slow walk, increases your heart rate massively. So here I am, trying to run feeling like I’m breathing through a straw and getting whipped. My running journey started at 20seconds run (well that run/walk people do when they’re crossing the road and a car’s coming) and walk 90secs, we all have to start somewhere kids!!! Fast forward some years and I was running 10k’s for fun and a ½ marathon.
So there we are, the journey begins, the new slimmer Becks! For quite a few years I had a bit of junk in the trunk, it fluctuated during my 30’s but on the whole, I felt great, I owned my shit and swagger. Exercise became a massive part of my life (MOTL), I participated in many events and met some salt of the earth people along the way, some of which are now my dearest friends (MOTL).
Then Covid hit, I lived on my own and the loneliness hit hard, spending months not seeing a soul. I went running one day, pinged my back and I’ve never ran since (I’ve not got rid of my running gear, I will run again!!) Food became my best friend, the weight crept back on again, so small I, and others, didn’t notice, then I bought bigger clothes, and there I am effortlessly walking down my tatty hallway and found the food habit door, walked straight in, pulled up a chair and got stuck in!
2025, the day before my 45th……. ‘what’s all this chat about a new fat jab, I want in on this!!!! IMPRESSIVE!!!!! Every day I’d jump on the scales and the lb’s were falling off, this is absolutely incredible. However, for me, it had side effects. Even on the lowest dose, constant stomach ache, first week cracking headache then a headache for 2 days after each jab, I just didn’t feel well. But, here’s the thing, the constant drop on the scales outweighed the symptoms. I just changed the addiction. This tiny little needle, with its pure clear magical liquid was making me drop weight, week in week out. Food noise gone, the peace and quiet was beautiful, still, calm, it felt wonderful. Healthy food habits kicked in (cause no one wants to shit themselves when they’re out!) I didn’t think about food, I didn’t want food, it truly is a fantastic tool to lose weight. I stayed on it for about 5 months, but had to stop, I couldn’t take the constant ill feeling any longer.
They say you need to work on healthy eating habits when on the fat jab so when you come off you’ve built these habits. What a load of bollocks!!!! Yes I was eating super healthy on the fat jab, but as soon as that bad boy wore off, HELLLLOOOOOO FOOOOOD!!!!. The door from my hallway shone, so pleased and happy to be back in business. I tried to be ‘good’. Three months later, I decided to weigh myself. Most of us have an app on our phone that links to our scales, I got on and my phone asked me to confirm it was me cause of the ‘weight change’. ‘Of course it’s fucking me, you wanker!’ The scales basically saying, ‘fucking hell you’ve put on some pud!’
I gained a stone, but I wasn’t finished the first time round, and of course now my brain is like – I can’t really remember how shit it made me feel surely I didn’t feel that bad, do I try again, a different make maybe, see how I get on? The thing is, when you’ve been big your whole life and something works, quickly, it literally gives you a new lens on life a new version of what you can become, I was watering my confidence and swagger tree and it’s soooooo much quicker and easier than; hard work, counting calories, going to the gym whilst constantly craving food.
Back on a different fat jab for 7 months I go. This one was better, not as strong, the weight took longer to come off, but zero side effects, it was wonderful.
Fast-forward to May this year, I now have a different dilemma. I’ve lost quite a bit of pud and I look fucking fantastic and still wanting to lose more. One morning, I was buffing bronzer on my face……. ‘what is that slapping noise’…….. yep, my bingo wing was slapping against my side tit. MORTIFIED!!! I’m only 46 and now I have bingo wings slapping side tit, surely this doesn’t happen for at least another 20 years!
So what now? The fat jab wasn’t as effective as the start, I went up a dose and some side effects started kicking in. I don’t want to be on the fat jab forever and I need to sort out this new wobbly body and also sort out my back issue. Now, remember peps, I’m turning everything on its head, changing the whole story with the motto ‘what would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?’
Someone I know started his own business as an online coach, let’s call him Boss Man T…… Boss Man T deserves his own blog…… But for now, a teaser, I’m 6 weeks in, which means 6 weeks off the fat jab. I’ve also decided to just lock my food habit door, I’ve most certainly rattled it a few times, Ive even sat outside it with a fork…… Look out for ‘The Fat Diaries, Volume 2’ blog, coming – well – maybe in a few months…..
The Unstuck Project 
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